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By Keri LynnPublished On: September 11th, 2018

DESTRUCTION COMES BEFORE THE RE-BIRTH

Please… read this. It just may be the most vulnerable, real and inspiring post I have written yet. Yup… it’s long… yup… it’s worth every moment of reading.

Alright… so this destruction… let’s say you buy an old house on a great block of land and you want to re-build it. FIRST… you must tear it down. Right?

Well… that’s what this post is about… Tearing everything down and standing in the brink of destruction.

You see… this month the question that has been driving me is “How do I stand even deeper in my truth?”

This came up for me as I was writing to you, so often, around standing in your truth… and I always believe in leading from the front. And in my heart, I knew there were places in my life that I wasn’t. That I was holding things in, not sharing my full truth… And so I embarked on the mission to share it. To “stand in my power” and own all those pieces, which meant some really f*cking hard conversations. You know… the ones you avoid for as long as you can, because you know it’s going to hurt the other person.

It shook everything up. EVERYTHING. And I stood there. Strong, in my belief… in my knowing that ALL IS PERFECT and if this situation can’t be resolved without me compromising anymore, than it will unfold another way… and if that was the case… it was meant to be that way too… I prayed and prayed for the beautiful outcome I desired.

And whilst it was rocky… and whilst I hurt the other person… It was doing everything I knew it would… Bringing up the shadow. Bringing up ALL THE STUFF sitting in the darkness that had been lurking under there for YEARS… for a lifetime.

And… whilst it was insanely challenging for both of us to be in this place… we were navigating it and talking about all the stuff coming up for us… in the most productive and amazing way.

Until yesterday… Where I did something that just about blew up my whole life. Well… it kinda did, and gratefully… is already getting pieced back together.

So why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing this with you? Mostly perfect strangers and some of you that are my dearest friends…

Because this is the work.

THIS.

This is the place that most aren’t willing to go and most aren’t willing to SIT IN and confront. And it’s a really f*cking scary place to be… Watching myself blow up my life… my life that I have worked so hard to create into a dreamy fairy tale. I mean really… What the F?

And here it is… As I wanted to navigate my way deeper into my truth and share places in my life I am compromising.. share with people that I love how I truly feel… good and bad… To be raw and vulnerable… it’s challenging, even for me… as my hubby says… the “queen of words”.

And what i got to see yesterday was how I am constantly lying… to myself. I knew this. in my heart. I have confronted this more times than I can say. I mean how many times a week have I said to my hubby… I ate this and this and that during the day.. .leaving out the bag of chips… leaving out the bar of chocolate… leaving out the ice cream… Even as a little girl… I snuck cookies from the cookie jar. Ok… so I know I’m not alone in that… or any of this really…

But the truth is… it’s a lie.

It’s a lie.

And the person I am hurting most in little lies like this, that happen regularly in my world… is me.

Not only do i hurt me… I hurt the others around me… thinking I’m telling the full truth, when really… i’m holding back things.

And if I do that… I’m never really standing fully in my truth.

I have learned this behaviour since I was a baby. To tell little white lies to get what I want. None of them ever really a big deal. You know… not telling someone what I ate. Making up excuses so that I don’t have to go to events I don’t want to go to… Little things. But still… not the truth.

And it got to the point that yesterday… when confronted about something… i didn’t say the truth. I couldn’t. I knew in the moment it was the absolutely wrong thing to do… and yet… I couldn’t stop myself.

AND… I nearly lost everything that is important to me.

I shook… I whirled in disbelief in myself… I hurt. I wondered… how is this me? Who is this person? Why did I do that?

And… I’m so blessed that everything in the past week has unfolded the way it has. Last friday, I shared with you that I had this incredible scientific hand reading and in it my friend Angie Kraft-Meldahl told me that… one of my “schools” is that of love/connection.

This for me means that I deeply desire love and deep connection and ultimately will do whatever it takes to get it. So in the shadow that will show up with creating fights, because yes… it creates connection. And the thing I had already innately been working through was the question.. “do I have to give up me to be loved by you?” So… I was standing in that… and creating a dis-connection… and apparently I couldn’t cope with that, unconsciously… and so I did this life long pattern of little lies to “keep the peace”… and I guess unconsciously hoped it would mean connection.

Everything Angie told me… played out in the biggest way I have ever created for myself.

When all I really want is to love and connect deeper than ever before.

And here is the part of the DESTRUCTION that I was talking about to start this.

This question… “How can I stand deeper in my truth?” The fact that I turn 40 next week. The deep work I am doing on creating a deeper love and connection to not only my hubby but my friends, kids, clients, family, etc… all of that brings me to this point here…

Destruction.

In order to re-build, first the destruction.

In order to truly clear the masks, the weight, the burdens I have carried… the desire to please everyone so that I can simply have connection… the judgement, the resentment, the self-loathing… all of that… I get to stand in the depth of it. IN the destruction.

Heart breaking mess.

And see it for everything it is…

And know… it has nothing to do with anyone else and EVERYTHING to do with me.

And as I sit here… in the aftermath of the destruction… I know in my heart… it’s all perfect. The whole way through… it was all perfect.

And now… I get to piece it all back together in a more powerful, truth- filled, loving, connected, empowering way.

At this point, the truth is… I don’t know how that looks. What I do know… is that of course the most incredible support has showed up for me in the past week and I am going to be working with an incredible shamanic counsellor who didn’t know it at the time… but will absolutely be able to help me piece this together.

And instead of re-creating the SAME house… it’s a new one coming.

It’s a “house” that takes this awareness of my self-destructive behaviours and learns to do life differently. Learns that I don’t need to tell little white lies in order to have a deeper connection with others and myself. That I don’t need to tell those lies to cover up what I think OTHER PEOPLE will judge me for. And that is the power. And ultimately… knowing the person who is judging me the most is ME.

And this road to healing most definitely starts with a whole lot of forgiveness for myself. For doing what I knew. For doing the best I could with the resources I had available at the time. For living being driven by these unconscious drivers that truly mostly hurt me.

And… even whilst this has all been going on… I have said time and time again… I am so grateful that it’s happening. I have gone into the shadows, through the darkness enough times now to know… it’s all perfect. It’s always all perfect. And it’s by looking into these spaces that we heal, grow and evolve as human beings.

So why in heaven’s name am I sharing all this intense stuff with you… revealing the parts of me that are not so “pretty”?

Because as I said to my hubby this morning… I am beautiful, gorgeous, perfect and human AF.

THIS is what makes us human. THIS.

And this is what is so often NOT spoken about. The darkness, the shadow, the shit that comes up as we journey our paths of our soul.

It’s so easy for me to come here and tell you about the light and the juiciness of life. It’s so easy for you to believe that all that stuff is the only things you have to do to create your dreams… to live in the light, to vibe high, etc…but what isn’t easy to admit or talk about for most of us is this. The stuff that lies in the shadows. But it’s this stuff that brings the greatest healing for our souls… it’s this stuff that when NOT dealt with…will continue to sabotage us for LIFE.

And it’s this stuff that I KNOW… many of you and my clients struggle to navigate. And consequently avoid. I know it because I am helping multiple people through it right now. It takes a person who will walk this path, through the darkness, to hold space for you to do it too and help you navigate the deep dark spaces that you are absolutely shit scared of.

What I know for sure… yesterday could have gone SO differently… and could have ended with me losing everything that is important to me… but it didn’t. And I know it didn’t because even though I fell into a seriously self-destructive pattern, in a bigger way then ever before… I also knew how to own that and stand in that and it’s because of that… I could work my way out of it.

I have a road ahead of me to re-build. And this is by no means “finished”, but… it’s so perfectly beautiful.

And I know… it takes work to be so ridiculously grateful for blowing up my life. It’s because of the years and years of inner work that I have done before this that allow me to be ok with this space, even in this anxiety filled, heart racing, gut wrenching discomfort.

What I also know for sure happened yesterday… I questioned EVERYTHING in my life. In the blink of an eye. I questioned is this real? What is real? Who am I to be here… talking with you… helping guide you into your dreams when I just about blew up all of mine? I questioned throwing in the towel… on everything. Including this. Me. Here. Writing you. Me. Here. Guiding you.

And today… what I know to be absolutely true… it’s BECAUSE of this… It’s because I am willing to go into these depths and look at myself… to be real, raw and vulnerable…. it’s because I am willing to walk my talk… and do this work. Confront it all head on… that I get to sit here today… writing you this incredibly vulnerable message about the humanness of life.

Big love to you all… as you journey this crazy ride called life and of course… if this resonates with you.. let me know. Comment below.

If you have been scared to go here but know you must… let me know… I’d love to support you through it. It’s without a doubt… my purpose on this planet. It’s why I do the work myself… not only to better my own life, but to help you journey it too because at the end of the day… we are all human AF.