YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL ME?

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL ME?

Behind the doors.. behind the walls… READ ON for a ridiculously vulnerable post.

I am a sacred little girl that wants to cower in the corner… Hiding away from the anger… from the piercing energy… from wondering when the next eruption will blow and hoping I’m not standing in the cross fire.

A little girl who was told to sit up straight, cross your legs, elbows off the table, hold your stomach in, stand up tall, smile, greet everyone with a princess smile no matter how you feel or whether you know them or not.

Processions of people.

Hold emotions in… don’t let people see that all is not perfect.

Pretend.

Hide.

Play small.

In the shadow of all that is already there.

Never letting it all just go…

Never letting the breath out.

Until I learned how.

AND NOW…

people say all the time…

I am too much…

I cry too much

I laugh too much… too big… my laugh lights up any room… people can’t help but laugh…

I eat too much..

I sit on my butt too much…

I don’t eat enough…

I work too much…

I write too much…

I write too many words…

I can’t contain it…

It’s not targeted enough…

SO many things to contend with, all the time…

So many beliefs that OTHER PEOPLE PLACE ON ME.

HOW CAN I BE TOO MUCH?

I AM ME.

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY ME.

AND I AM AMAZING.

I am passionate.

I am wild, fun and playful.

I am loving, caring, compassionate, joyful and empathic.

I am up and down.

I scream at my kids and feel bad afterwards.

I get pissed at them for taking forever to do mundane day to day things. It’s really not hard to put clothes on, is it? EVERY DAY FOR SCHOOL. I mean… EVERY DAY.

Come on mothers… you KNOW what I’m talking bout.

I struggle with food.

I have struggled with food my whole life.

I have been working to free myself from emotional eating, binge eating and food addiction for many years.

It’s getting better. And yet… I still slide down the rabbit hole of binging from time to time.

And yet… I still struggle with emotional eating many days.

I am doing all that I can to free myself of this.

I’m not perfect.

Like many of you… I have financial struggles.

Trust me when I tell you that in packing up our life and travelling for 4months overseas that turned into an unplanned international move, where only the BEGINNING of the cost of that MOVE alone… to SHIP OUR THINGS here cost at least $15,000. That doesn’t include all things we had to buy to set ourselves up in America…remembering… all our electronic appliances run on different electricity…

Yeah… I know financially wondering where the next penny is going to come from. How we will pay bills at the end of the month. Hugh didn’t work for 1.5 years. I get it.

And yet… I don’t let it RUN ME. I consistently choose to believe in miracles and magic.

I hold the absolute belief that I am ALWAYS looked after somehow in some way… and of course… I am. And everything always works out and actually…

everything always gets better and better. It does cause I believe it to be that way.

I am a hot mess that sucks at anything on the backend of my business. I hate doing that stuff. I just want to write, speak, mentor, lead circles, hold a mirror for people to see themselves in…

The rest of biz… I could give away quite happily and do give as much as I can… but still mess up and forget to send things or do things all the time.

I leave shoes around my house.

Dishes are often lingering around the sink.

I hate mopping floors.

I love chocolate. It’s one of my favourite things in life.

I love cacao.

I love sitting in circle with women (and sometimes in circle with both men and women).

I want to hold regular cacao ceremonies… I mean why not? Sitting in circle with women and cacao… 2 of my favourite things in life.

I want to change the world.

I am scared to think about what that means.

I want to create a massive impact on a global scale that is because I was here. Anyone who knows me… all of you who watch me… you know I’m capable of it.

Nothing stops me from what I want.

And I want to be that little girl who cowers in the corner… crawls under my sheets and hides from the world.

I love to write. I want to write and be known for my writing.

I love to speak. I want to move people with my words… move them to be an even better version of themselves simply because they KNOW themselves and show up fully to live life to it’s fullest… take it by the reigns and create your most epic life.

I believe in that so much… I believe in it to the lack of existence of anything else.

I believe in fairy tales and happily every afters… and I believe that I don’t need to be saved by a man to make my happily ever after happen.

i believe i create my reality… day in and out…

I believe that I can create it in the most beautiful, sensual, feminine way… letting go of driving from my masculine and letting the magical flower that is me to open up and lovingly, voluptuously ask for and receive all that I desire in the most incredible and pleasurable way.

And why not?

Why not have life be an incredible, pleasurable experience? You create your own reality.

And of course… with the pleasure comes the pain.

To know pleasure we must know pain.

And ohhh… the pain’s TOO MUCH sometimes.

The hurt from people’s actions and words… it cuts deep.

The hurt from not being heard or seen… it cuts deep.

And all of that… is only just a reflection of me and the same for you.

How can I be kinder to myself? And then the world changes to reflect that.

The polars that make up life… AHHHH…

Some would say it’s TOO MUCH.

Being so up and down…

It’s TOO MUCH.

I want to fight going up and down…

I want to live in the middle…

But how does one do that?

Is that living a mediocre life?

Where you really don’t feel anything?

I am all this and so much more.

Anyway… today…

I am a hot mess.

I am in love with myself and also thinking… who the heck am I to be here, lighting the way for you?

the polars.

The extremes we live in.

And today… I feel like sharing with you… that I am all this and more.

And I am not perfect. I am perfectly me.

And strangely this last 4 years feels like I am finally learning who that is.

Removing the masks and seeing me for all of me… in all areas… looking at what serves me and what doesn’t… moving through barriers day in and out… going through MASSIVE growth… throwing everything I can at it.

Not because I feel broken, but because I want to create all my dreams and the only thing that’s stopping me is me… so the more energy I spend learning all the nuances that make up me… the more I step up in life and shine a little brighter.

And the brighter I shine…

The more I discover…

the more of you that I attract to my circle of influence and the more lives I get to touch… and the more I live my purpose and passion.

It’s a crazy wild ride this life.

It’s full of tops and turns… not feeling enough then feeling on top of the world…

Full of being expanded and connected and then retracted and totally inward.

It’s full of everything.

I am not alone.

You are not alone.

We are all doing this wild thing called life.

And we are all full of it all…

We are all just doing our best to find our way and live our life with the most meaning we can… doing what we think is best for us.

And hey… cause I always give you a way to work with me at the end of these. 😉

You know what to do… whether it’s one of the last spots on Limitless or working with me one on one to help guide you through this wild ride called life…

Be in touch. It’s my absolute honour to be my fully human self to help you honour and love your fully human self.. and be the best you that you can be.

With so much love and gratitude for you seeing me and loving me for all of me as I do the same for you.

Image credit: Jodie DS