SURGERY UPDATE #7 PART 2: THE MINDSET WORK…

If I thought the physical experience of surgery has been a challenge… the mindset work I have been doing is EVEN BIGGER.

Just because my boobs have gone from a size 36L to a 38DD/DDD and 2kgs/4.4pounds of breast tissue was removed…

Just because my waist is smaller and hips are smaller

Doesn’t mean that ALL THE WAYS I HATED ON MYSELF BEFORE SIMPLY DISAPPEAR.

I spent a year prior to surgery really diving into the feminine, self-love and honouring myself and body.

And oh my did I grow. I KNEW that if I wanted to have this surgery and not end up back where I was again… I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO CHANGE MY BELIEFS.

I had to change the way I see myself.

I had to change my relationship with food.

I had to CHOOSE FOR MYSELF to be committed to exercise and do things that brought me JOY.

Since I was a little girl I have had a f*cked up relationship with my body and food.

When i was growing up… My mom was a gourmet chef and she would cater appetisers and deserts for people’s parties and she STILL loves us with food.

And whilst I would have that happening… I had headaches start as a little girl and was put on diets. I was told I was fat. I was not.

My dad called me fatso. I was not.

I grew up in an affluent area where eating disorders are very common as girls try and ‘look the part’.

I do not say this for sympathy. i say this to share… I had a lot happening as a young child to imprint a really crappy relationship with food. I don’t blame my parents at all. It is what it is. They did the best they could with the resources they had available.

I have just had to spend lots of time, money and energy to UNDO the disempowering beliefs I have had around food and my body image.

I have been working on this for years with different therapists, coaches, journeys, etc… getting mentally and physically better each step of the way.

And this surgery was a massive step in this.

I worked with a nutritionist before surgery for a few months to literally BREAK MY OWN RULES.

It meant… I actually committed to eating carbs each day after being told for so long that eating things like bread, pasta, etc was SO BAD for me and was going to make me fat. I had to BREAK THAT RULE. It’s not that I live off of that… But the goal was to remove shame, guilt and judgement towards myself.

It’s not the FOOD that’s bad… it’s my BELIEFS around the food that were messing with me.

After having done intermittent fasting and keto lifestyle for about a year… I committed to eating breakfast 4 days a week. Simply to know that it doesn’t matter if I do or don’t…. If I’m hungry… I eat. I listen to my body.

I laughed at and smashed through more and more ridiculous rules and beliefs from all the insane amount of diets I have been on over my life that all left me hating food and feeling frustrated with myself.

And thank goodness I started lifting weights and really built muscle on my legs because it was my saving grace for about a month after surgery. Leg muscles to get me out of the chair. It was the only place that didn’t hurt.

So… after the surgery… At the beginning… I was on so many drugs that everything would have seemed amazing. I was delirious and looking at myself was SO DIFFERENT that I was ecstatic to see what I saw.

I kept saying… Look… I have BEAUTIFUL BOOBIES and I absolutely LOVED my body.

I was in a compression garment for about 2 months, so I barely saw my body and it was squeezed in when I put clothes on, so things looked different than they would naturally.

As the drugs started wearing off… and I was seeing myself without compression suits, with swelling having gone down a bunch… as my body was settling in..

I started to say those horrible things to myself again.

Look at that fat Keri.

Oh… your pants don’t fit… fatso Keri.

What was only weeks ago feeling so new and gorgeous and small… all of a sudden started to feel BIG again.

I looked and saw still such a long road ahead of me to have my body where I would like to be again. FOR ME. For what is comfortable and my space of homeostasis (balance) in my body.

And what started happening…

I would catch myself in it. IMMEDIATELY.

LAUGHING at myself… ARE YOU KIDDING KERI? Look at the dang pictures of yourself from only a months ago… from 3 months ago… Look how far you have come.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

I have ALWAYS seen myself as fat and bigger than I actually am.

i actually fully believe that’s one of the main reasons I got so big in the first place.

My body wanted to show me what I thought I was seeing so I could really know what fat was like. Not just have a super crappy view of my body.

To find love for my body at every and all sizes.

And that journey was big and definitely there was major shifts, but obviously some of it still lingered.

When I let go of the tissue from my body and breasts… I did ceremony prior to surgery to release a bunch of negative beliefs and stories that I had been carrying around in my tissues. Never to return again.

SO… as things would come up that would challenge the beliefs of what I let go of with my tissue… I have had to make NEW CHOICES.

I have had to challenge myself to surrender deeper into trust. I have had to challenge myself to become ACUTELY aware of my thoughts and beliefs and catch myself falling down an old rabbit hole.

I have been able to make CONSCIOUS choices with food… Really check in and asking my body what it wants and needs and acting on that.

Sometimes it’s harder than others. Some days I listen and act better than others.

It’s a massive journey and I’m so consciously taking it.

I’m re-defining on a far bigger level my relationship with myself. I’m fully stepping into a higher level of LOVE and HONOURING of self.

I’m fully committed in every way… to the next level version of me… which is already here of course and always was. I just needed to let go of all the baggage that was literally hanging on me stopping me from stepping in.

AND EVERY SINGLE DAY… I CHOOSE IT AGAIN.

EVERY SINGLE DAY… I wake up and do my absolute best to fill myself with empowering thoughts. Catch myself when I fall off my band wagon and start again.

And each day… I feel stronger and stronger in who I am and who I choose to be and I become that.

AND each day… I get smaller and smaller.

And each day… I bring in more and more abundance.

And each day I connect with more and more peace and love.

I choose this over and over again.

LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES.

You can take the path you have already walked OR

you can consciously choose over and over again in each moment of the day… your aligned path in this present moment.

Whilst I had surgery make this an even bigger commitment than it was before… you don’t need surgery to choose this path. You don’t need surgery to make massive change.

It happens in the every day moments. The every day choices.

I am so infinitely grateful for this path.

I am so infinitely grateful for all the challenges and the flow that have allowed me to step even more fully into my most powerful self.

I’m so infinitely grateful for life showing me the way to remove all masks, all limitations, all ridiculously stupid, disempowering stories that have been holding me back so that I can sit here in this moment, writing you… in the deepest truth of who I am, right now.

Standing in my power…unleashing my message over and over again… bringing in all my dreams… every day.

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PS- This is the shirt i came home from hospital in. It was the only button shirt I had that fit over my boobs. It’s VERY hard to find a button down that doesn’t BUST open over a big set of boobs.

It’s GYNORMOUS now. Yup… getting smaller and smaller everyday.