My time in bed…

Honestly, except for the 4 days that I was bed ridden in hospital because I was bleeding while pregnant with my first baby and under doctors orders… I don’t remember the last time I have spent so much time in bed as I have these past 4 days.

I have gone with very little food, lots of sleep, and laying as still as possible in the moments I was awake. My body just needed rest, in the biggest way possible… rest. I knew it, before the crash, but did not have a moment to stop, so when I did, I listened fully… totally embraced it and quite loved the solitude and peace of my bed for 3.5 days.

These past couple months have been a whirlwind. I did more in that time than I thought was humanly possible. I had my kids to look after, did a crappy job looking after my house (my hubby pretty much took over on that, I haven’t folded kids laundry in months or even empty a dishwasher. I have a seriously amazing man in my world), I have been in full time study in really deep and powerful work that challenges me as I learn it to step up as a human being… and then on another level to embrace it in my work and how it will show up for all of you…. That would be enough for most people, but I decided to have some of my biggest drives in my business, most completion, biggest money making weeks, etc… AND travel for personal and work purposes all within those few months.

Honestly, it was massive and I didn’t really think I could do it, but I did. But to what expense?

As I came into the final weeks of the “push”, I had already had so many signs to slow down. I KNEW what I was doing was bad for me. I knew the stress was taking it’s toll on me body. I was feeling the pain from sitting too much, I was gaining weight from not moving enough and skipping meals, turning to sugar to keep the adrenalin rush going… I could feel the tightness in my chest and how hard it was for me to slow my breath down.

I knew when I was staying up too late working and not wanting to get out of bed to walk or meditate… and was still just exhausted…. It couldn’t last long.

And yet… I knew I had deadlines. I knew I had presentations to create, webinars to run, spaces to fill a book to produce, landing pages to create… None of that stopped just because I wanted to rest. And so, I kept plowing through to hit the deadlines. And, I did.

And when it took me getting into bed on Thursday afternoon at 12:15p and sleeping… and eventually being in so much pain in my chest, that I had to slow myself down so much that I could breathe into my belly, that I finally really realized how wound up I really got. It took me hours of laying completely still, in silence, to slow myself down enough to breathe, to really breathe.

Thank you body, I said… thank you. For giving me this pain, to remember how to do this… to force me to lay this still… and to make me create the time and space to make it happen. I couldn’t even talk because it hurt my chest too much to move. I sent all people I had appointments with a note that I wouldn’t make it to the call and would be in touch to reschedule a time. I have worked through sick before, because I am not one to like to do that to people, but I knew it was time to honour my body and STOP.

Even my family just left me laying alone, quiet and still. Again, thank goodness for an amazing hubby! (He knew it was coming long before I did. :-))

Anyway… in the pain, I found stillness again. I surrendered to it. I found it in my mind again. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn’t have a thousand things flying through my brain every minute. It was still too. Just me and my breath and the stillness… and the sleep.

I’m still not sure what it all means for me as I put the pieces back together. The pain is now gone, thanks to an amazing homeopath and hours of stillness, the cough is probably going to take it’s time to leave completely. Maybe a reminder to take things slow for awhile. (At least I don’t want to cry when I cough now).

I know this, that I can’t keep doing what I was doing. No dream, no amount of money is worth giving my body that much stress.

I just want to add in here, that although I was running around like a mad person, and while I sound like I wasn’t doing anything nourishing for myself, I was seeing an acupuncturist, getting back into my supplements that I needed to keep myself healthy, and spoken to naturopaths, been for massages, been in float tubs, taken weekends away… meditated, coloured, learned to crochet, took my kids to the playground, went for walks (just not as regularly as I’d like)… I did a lot to look after myself.

But first of all… a handful of these solutions was still looking outside myself for someone else to help me calm my energy down. I had totally lost the ability to calm my own body down. I had also gotten so whelmed with everything going on that daily decisions became too difficult for me… and how I should look after myself also got challenging. AND AGAIN… I thank an amazing hubby that after major meltdown #1 occurred, 100% at his expense… he started taking my supplements out for me everyday… until I found my rhythm taking them again. He had to remind me, otherwise, it was just one more thing for my brain to process.

Second of all, those solutions didn’t stop the never ending work load that was constantly piled on top of me. And more importantly, the pressure I had put on myself to complete the work. And the work was not only for business but also some major personal stuff going on right now (all amazing, but still lots of internal work and paperwork to go through to do it :-)).

So, back to now… where to?

I don’t know… I don’t even know how to face the world yet. I am still working on, how do I be still inside myself and talk, right now? Because on the biggest level I get… it’s not JUST what we do, it’s how we do it.

Maybe if I had taken those moments out to breathe before, maybe if I had put the breaks on earlier in the day, maybe , maybe, maybe… I wouldn’t have come crashing down so hard. I don’t know.

But now that I feel such peace and calmness inside, I want to sit with it for longer. I want to carry it with me… And I don’t want to have to feel like I need to be in my little cave to experience it.

And so I wonder… how do we put our big girl pants on? How do we continuously strive to reach new heights? Overcome fears? Put ourselves out there into the world? Produce amazingness? Lead? All while having a calm, peaceful, stillness from within?

The past few months have taken so much strength and courage, determination, willingness to jump and be imperfect, etc… that I didn’t know how to do it any other way.

And so it’s time to take baby steps to learn another way. Just because I crashed, doesn’t mean that I stop. It’s just starting again, from a different space. And so I know the end of this year will need some more courage and drive from me, but it has to be different. Because no amount of dreams coming true is worth me feeling as crazed as I was, inside.

The biggest thing that I do know is that… it has to come from me. ME giving myself the space to open up and connect and listen. ME taking time to sit still. ME being ok with somebody waiting to hear from me. ME giving myself more space to hit deadlines. ME planning better. ME ME ME. No one else can fix it, just me. And that feels bloody amazing!

One thing I know I didn’t do in those few months… Is sit in my medicine wheel, in my spot on the headland at dee why. I didn’t take true time out, just to be and to listen to me.

And one of the most amazing tools and gifts that I was given while doing my shaman training last year is just that. Time and space to reflect and sit and connect and be me.

Just writing that right now reminds me of why I started to do my current full time Leadership and Expressive Arts Group Training Diploma… why I am so driven in my business in the first place. To be able to bring that space to all of you. AHH… the joys of our work, always a mirror of us. In order for me to bring it to you… I must live it too!

I’m totally laughing to myself right now as I write this. 🙂 Because my dream for next year is to hold the space for a group of women in business to go on retreat together every quarter and take that time out, to re-connect, to deeply listen and to be able to facilitate such amazingness for you. Oh… it’s heavenly.

And the one thing I wanted to be able to do these days in bed that I just haven’t been able to, is to go and lay on the earth… Oh the loving and juicy amazingness of our gorgeous mother earth.

And this is just such another timely reminder of why I’m doing what I’m doing… because I KNOW, in my heart, I KNOW… I am not the only woman out there that has done this to myself.

I KNOW… there are others of you… doing such INCREDIBLE work to make this world a better place, to learn, to grow, to build a business, to take care of family (in whatever form that is)… we are givers. We stretch ourselves… constantly.

AND we are soooo good at looking after everything else, and saying that we are taking time for ourselves (if you have even gotten that far in your journey), but really… struggling to take true time out.

The time to deeply listen, to be, to hear, to be, to sit, to learn, to discover… what is inside of us… what drives us… what you are truly capable of, which is far grander than you could ever think, when you are too busy putting out fires. But when you listen… I mean really listen… the possibilities are endless.

I giggle… this started all about my time in bed, and ends up talking about what I’m creating for next year. But, it’s because I know how much we need it. We women are craving and longing for not only the connection to ourselves, but a far deeper and more meaningful connection with one another.

And so… I leave it here… Grateful for the entire experience, the ups, the downs and the amazing husband who has been my rock through it all… Still uncertain of daily life, but knowing, as I have known for awhile, but just FORGOT to be with… that I need space. I need me time. I need quiet time, without technology, without people, without anything. Because in that space… is where the magic truly happens!

Please feel free to leave comments below with your favorite ways to take time out, to truly deeply nurture yourself. Or anything else that came up for you while reading this, because I’m sure if you have made it this far… it’s hitting home in some way or another. 🙂

Oh… and since it managed to come out in my heart pouring… If the idea of deeply connecting with women every quarter, and staying connected throughout the year as we grow our businesses together resonates with you, please let me know. I’d appreciate it! I can tell you now… it will be amazing and magical for all involved. 🙂

With love,

Keri