What you focus on, you get… including your relationships

I am constantly reminded of this universal truth in my relationship with my gorgeous hubby.

Anyone who knows us, knows we have had our fair share of ups and downs. I guess in 12 years together, its bound to happen, right?

But here is the thing that I am learning on a WAY deeper level since leaving Australia.

What I focus on, I get.

So… if I focus on the scraps of food, the lack of communication, the lack of romanticism, the lack of… whatever I’m choosing to focus on that day… I get it. I hit walls with him. I bring in more of that.

Because let’s be honest… we ALL have our perfect imperfections, right?

I remember after having Sam, I was really struggling in our relationship. I was angry and resentful towards him. He was an “emotionless wall”.

I have an INCREDIBLE homeopath in Sydney that works on all levels, including helping with the emotional aspects of life, so during this time… in exhaustion and overwhelm and upset… she had me coming every few weeks and I knew it was mostly to check on my mental health and for that I am grateful. I kept going back. 😉 (And if anyone wants her info, let me know. She’s AMAZING).

But one day… I remember sitting on the floor, Sam scooching/crawling around… and she gave me a slap in the face… A needed one and thankfully we had built a relationship to where she knew I could handle it… and she introduced me to the work of Byron Katie.

Byron Katie asks 4 very powerful questions:

The Four Questions
1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

And as we sat looking at my “emotionless wall” for a husband and asked these questions I realised… all I was seeing was the emotionless wall. Is it true. Yes… AND…

Yes… AND… he’s (insert wonderful attributes)…

And let me tell you, tears fell as I thought about the incredible man I married. I still well up in gratitude for the incredible man that Hugh is.

YES… he has his stuff. SO DO I.

At the time… he had his own not so choice way of describing me too. I was a “crazy, psycho hose beast”. YES… SUPER HARSH. YES, you can see why there was a problem in our world. YES, I had a baby and a 3 year old. YES, I was EXHAUSTED. YES… I had not gotten on top of some serious health stuff with hormone balancing and a massively bad high pyroluria case.

Side note: My doctor tested me for pyroluria soon after this dark period and my results were ridiculously high. One of the first things she said to me when I came back for results was… do you ever irrationally feel like you just want to kill people and have raging anger that fills you up. UMMM… YES! I know it sounds intense but it was actually something I dealt with my whole life and had no idea it wasn’t normal. The ONLY people to ever see this behaviour were my immediate family. AND no… I didn’t actually harm people, but the rage was real.

I got that under control and my life has been a whole new experience.

So whilst Hugh’s words were far from kind… there was truth to them. As was the truth I had in him being an “emotionless wall”.

By the way… can you see the irony… I was mad at him for not having an emotional bone in his body and he was annoyed that i was over-emotional. It’s laughable.

AND…we looked for it and kept seeing it in each other.

That night… I came home and talked to Hugh and asked him the 4 questions about my “crazy behaviour”.

And both of us made a commitment to stop. In that moment. We made a commitment to stop looking for the worst in each other and look for the best.

And 4.5 years later i can say… NO it isn’t always roses. We still stumble and fall back into finding the crap, getting annoyed, dwelling on shit.

But what has become so apparent in having my best friends from Australia coming to visit… is the story I had created around this incredible man.

And how it’s so easy to fall back into the story. But even as I begin to… he shows up with flowers. He cuddles me in the morning in bed, his sweet soft skin against mine…

He sends me pics of flowers he’s picked and tells me he loves me…

He looks after the kids for days, even a week while I frolick off to take care of my needs…

He does the tedious work of figuring out my website and sales funnel because he knows I’d be throwing my computer out the window, even with just the thought of it… (Not because it’s his expertise, but because he wants to see me succeed… and he can).

He keeps giving. He keeps loving me. He keeps showing up. And no… not always the way “I WANT”, but in his way… he LOVES me to the ends of the earth.

AND… when I FOCUS on that.. it’s what I get.

I am learning to stop thinking about, bumbling in my mind about all the little things that annoy me… and just focus on the sweet and gorgeous things he does for me.

What you focus on is what you get. EVERYWHERE.

And let me be clear here and now… the journey is not over… We still have work to do. As i step up and go deeper into myself and deeper into the knowing that I can create EVERYTHING I want in this world… I am asking him to do the same.

But let me tell you how different this experience is right now.

YES… we are doing the work. But the work is taking us to an incredible place that we join in a union deeper than we have been before. We are not “running” from things. We are not arguing, fighting with each other… we are having real, deep, meaningful conversations in which we talk about what we truly want with ourselves, our kids, our lives, our work and taking the time to bring that into reality, TOGETHER.

It takes work and there are moments I would love to see him move faster, at the speed I move at… AND… I honour the fact that he has his own journey and just seeing him be open and willing to go this road with me, makes my whole heart smile.

Because I know… the more I focus on what I want… the more I see it in him… the more I ask him to step into it… the more we both get to receive the bounty of this incredible, conscious, loving, relationship… the closer we get to each other and to creating our dreams together.

It’s still up to BOTH of us to do the work… But I think back to that day… sitting on that floor… and thinking the horrible, angry, resentful things that we BOTH thought about each other and I KNOW we have come so far.

A lot of people look at us and for some reason think we have this incredible and “perfect” relationship and I’m here to say.. yes… I have married an incredible man. YES… we met and connected on a soul level in what seems in an instant. And yes… when we allow ourselves the time and space… we can find ourselves back there in the most deep love and connection that words are not necessary.

We have a very aligned set of values. We work as a team to raise our kids and we have worked hard to create an epic life together.

But it’s not without it’s shitty moments, which can last longer than moments. 🙂

And… what I am so aware of today is… how true this statement is in our intimate relationships.

I swear… every time I write and think I can’t get more vulnerable, I do. I don’t share this level of intimacy in my life often, but obviously those of you reading this needed to embrace this too. And so I let the message out.

If you have made it this far, reading this… and can relate… you are not alone. AND… please start to truly pay attention to what you are focusing on.

ALL of us, have our own stuff. ALL of us have our own things that will annoy the people we live with. I am not alone in this… and he tolerates my “stuff” and I am learning more and more to tolerate his stuff. AND then instead of dwelling on what “annoys me”, focusing on what I LOVE about him… and how grateful I am for ALL the wonderfulness that he is.

Truly… he’s an incredible person. He’s one of the most talented people in fixing people’s bodies in this world. He’s the most loving and gorgeous father that takes time to pass on his knowledge and skills to his kids, always asking them to step up and be their best. He’s amazing around the house and after a year at college for me, full time, with 2 kids and a business to run… he started to run a house better than I do. I could keep going on… and the point is.. I do. I see it all. I look for it. I feel grateful for it. I am blessed with all the wonderful ways he shows up.

AND… I’m blessed that in this next step, he didn’t shut me out, like many men would. He said… yes. I’m willing. Yes… I’m willing to go deeper. And I know… in his time, in his way… he will find the path there… I just keep focusing on that.

So… what are you focusing on in your relationships? Are you seeing the beauty? Or are you seeing the crap? The annoying things of every day life that you could spend all your life being pissed off and resentful for?

Deep thoughts today… 🙂

Do you know that this is a problem but have really struggled to communicate your needs in your relationships? So often that’s what it is… instead of talking about the “REAL stuff”, the JUICY stuff that is what you REALLY want to say… what you really desire… you bark at the people you love the most.

Hey… we are all human. I get it.

But when you feel empowered to have the deep conversations, say what you really mean and express your true desires… that’s when magic happens.

It’s like anything I talk about… it’s getting to the core of you… knowing what you want, what your desires are… and being able to bring them into fruition… it’s in YOUR MIND first.

So… if you know you need help to shift this… KNOWING that in any relationship… the only thing you can truly do is work on yourself… And the more and more you BECOME the person you need to be to have the incredible relationship… the more you give the other person the space to do the same.

If you are ready for magic to happen in your life… to do the work that will help you turn dreams into reality… to have the conversations that matter… to shift your mindset and shift your life…then let’s play!

I have a couple spots open for 1 on 1 clients. I’d love to support you in creating your epic life, including to focus on creating the relationship you truly desire.

Please reply to this email and let me know that you want to play and we’ll get it sorted and started. Openings start from next week!

Don’t spend another day in wishing land… let’s make the wishes your reality.