3 incredibly powerful words

I FORGIVE YOU.

3 incredibly powerful words.

Read on for a ridiculously vulnerably share about the healing of intimate relationship… if you are living in one that doesn’t feel completely fulfilling, deep connection and absolutely amazing… you will want to read this.

Alright… deep breath… here we go… From my heart to yours…

About 3 weeks ago… After enough times of coming here and writing to you… telling you to stand in your truth… I knew there were places in my life I wasn’t completely standing in mine. And as always… I lead by example… I practice what I preach, so who was I to tell you to do that without being COMPLETELY and FULLY in my truth, in ALL areas and with ALL relationships in my life.

For me… I have grown up in places with plenty of volatility in emotional outbursts, so I learned early on to keep the peace. And I realised in the past couple weeks in my scientific hand reading… that one of the things that drives me is CONNECTION. (surprised? LOL) Because of this need for connection, I will do anything to get it, even if it’s hold back on saying things, worried I will lose what I have… whether it’s sacrifice myself to keep others happy and feel a sense of CONNECTION… whether it’s start fights when I feel a lack of connection so that the FIGHT creates a connection of sorts. This and more, I’m sure.

I have done all of those things in my lifetime. Over the years, I have learned that I do those things and so I do daily work to stand in my power and not let them run me. But this awareness of WHY I do them, through the hand analysis was SO POWERFUL.

And one of the things I have ALWAYS struggled with is speaking my truth, especially when I know it can hurt someone, because I have lived in fear of the conflict that it may create. I know this may seem crazy coming from someone who comes here and speaks so much of my truth… but I will tell you… it’s not always easy. I just know it’s my path and that I am on this planet to do this work, so I get out of my own way and do it anyway.

The reality is… I don’t like creating conflict. I want love and connection… AND sometimes it’s a false sense of connection, because underlying it… there is a lot of stuff laying in the shadow, only superficially being dealt with because connection… because it seems easier… but that is not where the true depth of love lives.

AND this last couple years… life has asked me to step up in the way that I do love in all ways, in all areas.

SO… back to the story at hand….

When I decided it was time to speak my truth to ALL people that I was holding back on… whether it was to share my love and appreciation or to share that I was unhappy or holding back in some way… I knew it was not going to be easy for me, but in order for me to show up here and lead you… there was no other way forward for me…

The first person to go to… my husband.

Over the past 1.5 years, we have made a commitment to taking our relationship to a deeper sense of love and connection. And the truth is… we are. We have been. But in many ways… as much as we have been, there was still cracks that underlying all our work, all our talking, sharing, inner work… still what we have been longing for was not there.

YES. It was getting way better. YES. After many years of every other month I would find myself considering walking away from it all… That thought was not gracing my mind. YES. What a blessing. We have been enjoying each other’s company, working together, etc… but still something missing.

And whilst I knew what I had to tell him was going to make him SO ANGRY, I knew… it had to be done. I knew it was one of the things in the way of us going deeper into this love… AND… I knew that as long as I wasn’t standing in this truth… I would always be feeling shit about it and that would effect our relationship.

And here was my biggest knowing… THIS IS BIG!

I knew… it was going to make him so angry. I knew he wasn’t going to agree with me. I knew he wouldn’t want me to do it.

AND ALIGNMENT. ALIGNMENT. ALIGNMENT.

ALWAYS.

If I COULDN’T STAND FULLY IN ALIGNMENT IN MY RELATIONSHIP AND BE LOVED FOR ALL OF ME… then I couldn’t be in this relationship.

And if my relationship couldn’t make it through my truth… then my relationship was based on a connection and love that wasn’t fully there… it was conditional. And the deep love and connection that I truly desire was never going to come from this relationship.

READ THAT AGAIN. THIS IS SO BIG.

For a person who just wants to make every one happy and not create conflict… I was testing EVERYTHING about all this. And instead of hiding what I was doing from him in order to keep the peace and connection… it was time to be fully honest.

So… I told him… I spoke my truth and whilst I am not going to get into the details of the unfolding… the week after I told him a whole series of events happened that led me to Thursday April 26 where I thought I had blown up my marriage. I fell into some shit-house patterns, scared, not wanting to lose him… and yet… I lied to him and I have never seen so much pain in his eyes. I broke his heart.

(If you haven’t read the post about destruction… Go here: http://bit.ly/2rGCOLa Also a super powerful and vulnerable post)

I didn’t know if I had a marriage to come home to…

And he had every right to be hurt and angry with me and never trust me.

And when he walked out of the house… I shook. I cried. And… I owned it all.

Over the course of the day (in which I pulled my shit together to do an awesome and fun feng shui consult)… things settled.

We had some space.

I shared more of my truth.

And by the end of the day… he had organised a babysitter and we danced together in ecstatic dance… we got into bed together and cuddled to sleep.

I will tell you… that’s only been the beginning of the journey. That day.

I will call that day one of the hardest and best days of my life.

You see… I have been working on my own mindset and coaching people for at least 12 years. I KNOW… this is where people DON’T SHOW UP. I know this is where people RUN THE OTHER WAY. Because simply… it’s terrifying.

Because even when he was so angry and hurt and didn’t trust me…

I still stood in my truth. EVEN MORE.

I still said to him… your trust issues come from WAY BEFORE ME.

My trust issues… my shit around why I unfolded the way I did came from WAY BEFORE YOU.

And the truth is… we could run away from this, PISSED. ANGRY. HURT. RESENTFUL. JUDGEMENTAL, etc… OR… we can face this head on.

We can look and see all the shit we both have brought into this relationship from past hurts and deal with it… and stop putting it on each other. Stop letting those underlying currents dictate THIS relationship.

We can heal our past wounds and hurts and show up even more amazingly for each other… OR… we can run away. Angry and not trusting. STILL.

But WHAT WILL THAT CHANGE? How will that serve EITHER of us?

It won’t.

We would just have run into another relationship and re-created the SAME thing. Different situation… to play out that same pattern… to PROVE to ourselves… SEE… I CAN’T TRUST YOU.

READ THAT AGAIN. That truth is so powerful.

If we had moved on, in that moment… we would have re-created the same pain in another relationship because we never would have dealt with or healed the actual issue within ourselves.

And all anyone every does in a relationship is mirror you.

And so each day since then… we have moved through pain, anger, lack of trust… we have both sat in confusion, anxiety, uncertainty…

And by no stretch of the imagination is this journey over. Quite honestly… it’s only just begun.

But in this 2 weeks… we both chose each other. We both chose our family. We both chose LOVE and a DEEPER CONNECTION than we have ever been willing to go.

And last night… we sat down after my beautiful 40th birthday party and he said to me these powerful words… AND I PROMISE YOU… these words don’t come lightly, especially out of his mouth…

“I FORGIVE YOU”.

I will never in my life forget that moment in time. The best mother’s day and birthday gift he could ever give me.

You see… Through this whole journey… I KNEW… Sharing my truth was only the catalyst for a whole crap ton of shit that was standing in the way of our loving relationship and a deeper sense of love for myself and alignment in my life.

And without getting into the nitty gritty… I live with an absolutely AMAZING MAN. I have ALWAYS known that. I admire him for SO MUCH. He is a blessing in my life and one of the most talented people I know. AND… because of his strength, because of his ability to live a life in the discipline that he does… I have often felt like… I can’t live mine in the freedom and flow that I want to, because it’s not his way… and he can’t understand mine. He can’t understand why… I’m a woman who wants chocolate and will eat it, even if and when I’m over-weight. In his mind… just stop. eat less. Restrict more. Move more… All these things very valid… but the energy behind it… the judgement behind it have been so much worse for me than the actual concept itself.

You see… there has been so much below the surface… that I have been wanting to shift in our relationship for years. That I have been trying to overcome for years. That ultimately has tormented me for years.

And last night… I FORGIVE YOU.

For all of that and more.

Last night… the thing that I KNEW HAD TO HAPPEN in order for us to move forward in the most powerful and beautiful way… happened.

He chose me.

He chose to love me for me.

He chose to accept me for me.

ALL OF IT.

Even if he doesn’t agree with it.

And that’s what unconditional love is.

LOVE WITHOUT CONDITION.

I have been asking for it. I have been dreaming of it. I have been writing about it. I have been imagining it. I have been feeling it. I have KNOWN… it’s all possible.

1.5 years ago… I set out to do something I have never done.

CREATE MY FANTASY LOVE. MY FAIRY TALE, HAPPY EVER AFTER… IN MY RELATIONSHIP.

I knew I could do it, if I left my relationship. I knew I could attract the right person. I DIDN’T KNOW if I could shift the entire dynamic of a relationship WITHIN it.

And if you ask ANY of my closest friends… they will agree… a few years ago… I’m sure they questioned if we would have made the distance. We were fighting, bickering, I was constantly hurt and wanting to leave. (He was probably hurting too)

I don’t often share the full details of my marriage. I will share with you personal stuff… but my marriage is not just mine to share. It’s him too. And I honour and respect him and don’t want to air his “dirty laundry”. That’s for him to do…

But this story… I know I get to share this with you because I KNOW… I’m NOT alone in this journey.

I KNOW there are plenty of you out there, unfortunately… more of you than not… that are living in unfulfilling relationships. That are fighting, bickering, uncertain of your future. You, like me… DREAM OF a deep and loving connection full of love and respect and that just fills your WHOLE HEART AND SOUL up.

I Know… because I talk to you about it, I hear you talk about it… I hear you bitch about your partners… I see you unhappy, and unfulfilled.. SETTLING in your relationships…

And I set about on this mission FOR ME. Because it’s what I WANT and I AM A MANIFESTOR. I GET TO CREATE WHATEVER I DESIRE. And… SO DO YOU.

I set out for me.. but also for you… to show you, like I do in every area of my life… leading by example… that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. EVERYTHING. And that you can HAVE IT ALL.

And… whilst this is all still very much unfolding…

And I have no idea where this will lead.

I know that when he looked at me last night and said I like how this feels… pointing to his heart… and said… I want more of this. His heart filled with love. He basically said… the way I have been doing this relationship hasn’t been working. And so… he opened his heart. And I opened mine.

THIS. EVERYONE… THIS IS THE WORK.

I don’t say this to you from an alter… looking down on you.. as lip service. I say this because I KNOW, from experience… that this is the work you GET TO DO to LIVE in your FULLEST TRUTH. Your FULLEST AND MOST COMPLETE ALIGNMENT and from THIS SPACE… CREATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR MOST EPIC DREAMS.

It’s not always comfortable. This conversation is only ONE of the conversations that has been going on over the past 3 weeks… I will unfold more of them later… But I have been working on being in complete and full alignment and truth in my relationships with friends, family, money stuff, career… EVERY AREA. Every person.

It’s been SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

AND SO FULFILLING. SO DEEP. And the LOVE AND CONNECTION I feel as a results of ALL this work… is simply BLOWING ME AWAY.

AND because of that… the most incredible manifestations are becoming my reality. I have felt like I have been standing in the eye of a storm… watching the world fly around me, as I patiently and calmly wait for it all to settle, dealing with each thing or each person as it flies into my field.

I have been loved and supported by some incredible healers and friends.

You see… I know… this depth of inner work most likely will not get done alone. Most people I know don’t have the courage to walk into the eye of a storm, like I chose to do, at all, never mind ALONE.

And yet… as I come out the other side of this intense time… I know… as I ALWAYS did… it’s all perfect. It’s all so frickin perfect… and there is no other way.

ALIGNMENT. TRUTH. IN EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

It’s the ONLY WAY.

I am SO BLESSED to be on this path. I’m so grateful that I have had the courage to step in and speak my truth. I’m so grateful that I am so incredibly supported by multiple healers, coaches and friends/family on this challenging and yet so rewarding journey.

And… I would love to see this for you. Like I said… I have no idea how my life will unfold, nor my marriage. What I know to be true in this moment is that we have had seriously incredible transformation in the past 1.5 years but specifically in this past 3 weeks. In ourselves and in our relationship. I have an incredible man in my world and we have had a soul level connection since pretty much one of the first moments we met.

And as a father… I couldn’t ask for a more incredible role model for our kids.

And I know… we are both committed to showing up and hearing each other, honouring each other, respecting each other and loving each other.

If you can relate to this story… If you are looking around your life and know there is a deeper level that you want to take your life… you know that you could be even more in your truth in your relationships (however that looks for you), that you are not loving yourself enough to stand in your complete alignment and sacrificing yourself for others…

My dear.. it’s time to do the deep work. It’s time to face it head on. It’s the only way through.

OR, of course… you can stay stuck. You can stay in unfulfilling relationships and consequently life…

Which do you choose?

If you are ready to get support in moving through these uncomfortable situations… in these incredible moments in time that will forever make your life even better and even more on alignment… on path…

Then join me. Play with me. Let me support you. This is work that I cannot even begin to imagine doing alone.

I have 3 spots available for the month of May. I actually have a ton of incredible stuff manifesting right now and am limiting clients because I want to have the time to dedicate to everything happening.

Are you one of the people with the courage to step in and do your work so that you too can create your happily ever after? Be in touch now.

 

 

 

Original Date Written: May 14, 2018