I’M HAVING A BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY

I sit here… hands shaking writing something I thought I had a bit more time to process than the universe decided I should have.

The surgery was scheduled for 9 November and I got a message from the doctor Thursday stating she had to change the appointment, putting it off longer, which was NOT what I wanted.

When I spoke to them, there had been a last minute cancel and so now… I’m doing this on TUESDAY! Which… #ofcourse… #manifestor#everythingispossble

HOLY MOLY!!!

I’m literally a ball of shaking nerves of excitement mixed with holy fuck… what am I doing?

So… let me share with you bout this life-changing decision that I have been thinking about for many years.

I have NEVER been small chested. I think I went from flat to D. Even my last year of high school. i can remember people making fun of me or commenting on my boobs being large at a size D back then.. only getting bigger over time.

After having kids… my boobs grew and unlike many women… never decreased fully.

And so now I carry a size L set of boobs on me…

I know… you probably don’t even realise that bras exist in that size.

Let me tell you… VERY FEW DO.

The doctor has said she can probably get me to be about a size D cup, safely. Yes… there is a certain amount that they can remove at one time and keep me safe.

So effectively on Tuesday I will have TWO SETS of SIZE D breasts removed. That’s about 2/3 of my breasts removed.

That’s LIFE CHANGING.

ON SO MANY LEVELS.

As you can imagine…

It’s uncomfortable to carry this weight around and it is painful.

I get terrible headaches and neck problems because of the weight.

I lay in my bed and suffocate in my breath under the weight of my boobs on me.

I go upside down for handstands or to train and literally can’t breathe as my boobs cover my face.

I struggle to rotate in the gym.

Hugh laughed the other day when I said… I’m looking forward to CLAPPING. CLAPPING. they are so large that connecting my hands together to clap is actually not easy.

I look forward to being able to walk around comfortably without a bra.

It’s funny cause over this year… I’ve done a TON of work on LOVING MY BODY.

I have been working to bust through shame and rules around my body, my food, movement, etc… to ultimately LISTEN to my own body and not care what every other person says is ‘right’ for me and ignoring the shame that society places on women who are not THIN.

And in that… finding my sensuality and ability to FEEL SEXY in my body RIGHT NOW.

I have also spent a lot of time honouring and loving on my breasts.

And more than ever in my life… I LOVE MY BODY and I’m so grateful for the lessons it teaches me and for giving me a beautiful vessel to explore the world in this lifetime.

As a completely holistic, natural person… it feels SO bizarre to be going into hospital on Tuesday and literally have my body re-shaped, because I CHOOSE IT.

That said… I have spent years working to reduce the size of them through diet, exercise, mindset, etc… and they don’t get smaller.

And I finally just got to the point where… enough is enough.

It literally hinders my life… in my ability to move and breathe and BE in my body.

And so… I’m lovingly saying bon voyage to a massive part of my body and my identity.

The strangest part of this whole thing.. is the thought that I will walk in looking one way and leave a totally different looking person.

There is no gradual over time thing happening to get used to things.

I wonder how it will actually look on my body.

I have visualised it… I have imagined it…

But the reality is… I have no idea.

I feel into the FREEDOM I WILL FEEL.

And I know this is absolutely the right decision for me.

And in talking to other women who have done the same thing… they all say the same thing..

BEST DECISION EVER.

I am excited to be able to find jackets and button down shirts that fit and ZIP or BUTTON over my boobs without BUSTING out.

I am SOOO excited to be able to walk into a lingerie store and be able to have a SELECTION of bras. Not be told… sorry, we don’t carry your size. And not only that… BUY MATCHING BRA AND UNDIES. I can’t remember the last time I was even able to have that choice.

I look forward to walking through doors or rooms of crowded people where I don’t embarrass people as they brush against my boobs accidentally because they are so large…

I look forward to being able to do videos for you showing my whole torso because you will be able to SEE IT… not just my boobs.

One of the things I’m most looking forward to and so curious about… is my posture.

My whole body compensates to carry the weight of my boobs. My posture will change completely because of this. I will be able to stand up straighter.

I won’t sit down at a table and rest my boobs on the table to hold the weight for a bit, which by the way… for the most part you wouldn’t even know I’m doing, as they just naturally are so big they rest there.

But I seriously cannot even imagine how it will feel to stand up for the first time after the surgery… and to find my balance.

I think of what it’ll be like to see my stomach and to not have indentations under my boobs into my ribs from the weight on that area all that time.

I look forward to being able to RUN without HOLDING MY BOOBS.

For years… I have struggled to run after my kids. Not cause I can’t. But because running hurts so dang much. Running, jumping, skipping… it is painful.

AND YET… ask anyone in the gym as they laugh at me… running around in warm-ups holding my boobs as I go. Doing jumping jacks with only my jumps as I hold my boobs to jump. Struggling to do many of the stretches and exercises as simply… my boobs literally get in the way.

I do wonder what my pancake will look like when I don’t have boobs to stop me. Or my pushups… they make things easier and harder in the same breath cause of course… my chest reaches the ground faster, but there is a ton of weight to push up. 🙂

So many things that many people don’t think about or take for granted when you don’t have large boobs.

I mean… even laying on a massage table is tricky as my boobs get so smashed laying on the table and it can be painful. They also take up the whole top of the table leaving no room for my arms to go anywhere.

Every day… there is something I do or consider in regards to the size and weight of my boobs…

AND… they will just be GREATLY REDUCED in a matter of HOURS.

It excites me and freaks me out… all in the same breath.

Thursday night… I danced… caressing my boobs… thinking… this may be my last ecstatic dance with THESE boobs.

I love them.

I honour them.

I’m SO GRATEFUL they produced milk for about 16 months for each child to be able to fully breastfeed both of my kids. I’m so grateful I had that experience and that I was able to do that with such ease (for the most part).

And now… as my kids are BOTH in school. It feels like the right time in life to let them go.

To let that time in my life… ‘babies’… go.

To step into the next phase of my life knowing that my boobs have lovingly done their job in the piece that is motherhood and being their literal life line.

Which by the way… Sam, my 6yo had a complete meltdown when I first mentioned this months ago. He was so upset. He still doesn’t want me to do it, but he’s not melting down over it anymore.

And I get it. They fed him. Gave him life… and is still a place that both my boys curl into for comfort. They are their pillows and place to be held. They think I’m beautiful and perfect, just the way I am.

It will change for them too.

I’m also aware that over the years… I have literally taken the weight of the world and walked around with it in my boobs, on my shoulders.

And it’s time to let go of that experience of life and surrender deeper and deeper into the flow and trust and KNOW… that it doesn’t matter if I carry it or not… it is what it is… so LET IT GO.

There are so many layers to this experience… which I have been working through over the past months as I prepare myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually for this massive change in my life.

It’s definitely not a decision I made without a lot of thought and consideration and soul work.

But it’s for sure… the absolute right decision.

I will leave this here for now and continue over the next weeks to share this experience, as it will be noticeable for sure! I couldn’t hide this from you. LOL

I appreciate as you reply to this… that you speak with kind words of love.

PS… this was taken this morning… the last time I went to train at Awaken Denver with this uncomfortable sports bra with underwire that digs into me as I move, but the only I could find to fit.