Today, is not that day.

Most days, I come here and talk to you about joy, love, dreams come true, manifestation… I share tips and tricks to help you align to your soul’s desires…

Today, is not that day.

You see, today, this morning… it’s been the opposite of that… a challenge… a heart break. Tears falling, shitty stuff swirling… loud voice… frustration.

Today, I got angry with my oldest son for lying straight to my face. Today… he takes his first big state exam, in a school system in which he has never had to sit an exam. Last night, he was in bed early, to get a good night sleep to be rested and ready for his exams. This morning, was meant to be an easy morning, where everything was ready to go, they ate a hot breakfast and felt satisfied and rested so that he could perform his best.

Today, I found out that he snuck his iPad into his room and was up late playing on it, and lied straight to my face last night about that. And today… I got mad at him.

Of all the things in the world that my kids do to test boundaries and be human… the one I have the least amount of patience or leeway for is lying.

Ultimately… I know the greatest consequence for him today is having to face those exams tired and feeling crap for staying up too late playing on an electronic device that even when used in the day always sends his brain to mush and both my kids behaviour to cranky.

AND… I teach standing in your truth online. AND in my personal life. I teach my kids they will get in more trouble for lying than they will for telling the truth.

So, beyond losing his iPad, which quite honestly he very rarely gets anyway and I FINALLY let him put Minecraft on it last week on the condition that he only gets small amounts of time on it each week to play. I don’t know yet how long he will lose it for. But beyond that… I still haven’t figured out the consequence for lying, but there will be one.

I am a very relaxed parent. And allow my kids the freedom to move through their lives, exploring their emotions, their freedoms, making many of their own decisions, creating life the way they want it… but when it comes to instilling the values that are what make you a kind and caring human being that does good things for the planet and other people and stands in their truth and their power… I am firm with showing up and having boundaries so that my kids learn to be that person early on. So that it becomes WHO THEY ARE and they know nothing else.

This gives them the mindset and energy to succeed in whatever they want to do in their life. And that is my biggest purpose as a mother… to give them the tools and resources to get through the challenges life will bring them on their path and to help them find their true north.

And so today… whilst I normally talk about all the wonderfulness in life… I’m being real and saying… that it’s been challenging for me and my family.

Today… I feel frustration in the humanness in my kids. In my hubby. In my Self.

Today tears fall as I wonder what I am doing… if they will ever hear me. If YOU will ever hear me. If I am just wasting my time and energy. Today, I would kind of like to take my bear self to my cave and cry, curled in a ball, and contemplate life.

Today, I went to feel this pain, this sadness, this hurt… that is for sure not just from today, but from my past, my childhood, hearing my mother’s words ring in my mind from when I did the same human things and she got mad at me… from the times she felt unheard and went on mom strike, not speaking to us. Today, I want to sit in the sadness and hurt that comes from a lifetime of not feeling worthy of being heard… of not feeling respected… And not just this lifetime but all lifetimes before.

Today… I sit in the pain of having a husband and who has no idea what empathy is. And simply doesn’t know how to deal when I feel this way, no matter how many times I have told him exactly how I want him show up in these moments.

And today… I will share this with you. Not because I need you to fix it. Not because I need you to heal me. Not because I want to bring you down or “leak energy” or have you “feel bad” for me… None of that at all. Because I will finish typing this and honour all of this and more… I will sit in silence. I will continue to hear the stories unfold… I will write, I will do forgiveness work, I will likely cry. I may even choose to scream at something, like the wall or a pillow. I may dance. I will do what my body asks of me to release it. The only one who can do anything about the way I feel right now, is me.

And today… after I do this… and sit in this… and forgive myself and others involved… I will get the work done that I get to do to grow my business… I will work with clients. I will show up. (I already am  )

That said… I am saying this all because I am human. I am as human as the rest of you. And sometimes I think… those of us who message, putting our hearts out here every day for you to read, to watch, to listen, to be inspired by to live your most aligned and best life… you get to know that it’s not always all peaches and roses. It’s not all bliss and joy. It couldn’t be.

We are all human and the pain and sadness, anger and frustration and so much more… it’s what makes us human. AS WELL AS the joy, bliss, love, gratitude… it’s everything…

Without the darkness you cannot see the light. Without sadness, you don’t know joy.. Without hurt, you don’t know love. And on it goes…

In life… you get to embrace and be with ALL OF IT. And today… in this moment… I feel a lot of turmoil boiling in my body. And today… I sit with it. Today… I honour the humanness of myself and my family. And today, I get to share with you… that if you are going through days like this too… that’s totally normal. I would invite you to look at your life though and make note… are you having more days of darkness or more days of lightness? Which do you want and what are you willing to do to WALK THROUGH the darkness to see the light? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…

 

 

 

Original Date Written: April 10, 2018